Dying to lead

I can’t begin to put into word the sheer beauty, fear, power and deep purpose in what I am about to share with you. After major life experiences death of parents, family and children leaving home and the general rollercoaster of life that we all face, I was left with a grief that was consistently at the core of my being. 

I remember the evening well, my best friend and teacher was with me, we shared an evening of meditation and healing. During the session I could sense my Grandmother. She had long since left this plane but would often visit me in dreams and journey work. She had a clear message this eve. She gave to me the 23rd psalm.  “Take the 23rd psalm with you” she said.  I didn’t even know the words of this psalm, let alone its meaning. I was about to find out. 

I prayed that evening for the grief to clear. In just a few hours I began to feel very ill, my body went so cold I couldn’t warm up and yet it was a very hot evening in June 2018. My response was to have a hot shower, nip downstairs for a hot drink and all would be well. I achieved that, but then my body went into total fatigue, my breath began to decrease and I was struggling to move. 

I tried to shout for help, but speaking was so difficult. Luckily my son heard me cry, he called an ambulance immediately. I looked at him and the thought crossed my mind, was I going to die? What did I want to say with my last breath? I felt a strong sense of wanting to say be happy, live happy and love. 

The paramedics arrived and acted so fast, they soon had me wired up for an ECG. When they said its a heart attack and you need to get to hospital fast, I actually thought they hadn’t got it right. My next memory was waking up in the ambulance travelling at speed. The sound of the blue lights was piercing. The paramedic took my hand, he spoke calmly and softly, “We thought we had lost you, hang in there you can make it”. 

Make it where? I sang my song and they let me come back so where am I going now. The thing is with an outer body experience you don’t know you have had one until you begin to put all the pieces together and it’s then you realise that something huge and wonderful has happened. I remember thinking why is the light so bright, like a large tube in this vehicle. I remember being told I have a choice. I remember someone telling me that I needed to choose before the light went out as there is no coming back after that. I was asked to sing my way home… “I can’t speak or sing” I said. “You will have to if you want to go back”. 

I tried and didn’t think I could muster up the sound. But the sound of my own voice woke me out of a coma. I had experienced several cardiac arrests.

I remember the paramedic saying I have never heard a sound like it. “Well that’s a first, never known anyone come back from a cardiac arrest make that noise”. I wanted to say that’s my sound, the sound of my soul. The music within me. I have chosen it. Somehow my heart had opened widely. I didn’t feel the grief but an intense love and a remembrance of how I used to feel when life was so full of family. Full of love. 

But what was to follow was even more incredible, it was as if my eyes had been opened to a new way of seeing, feeling, sensing and observing what’s important and who is important. All the medical staff were ready and waiting, well prepared to run with me into the operating theatre. “We must operate now, if we don’t you will die!” the surgeon stated. 
Not today, I remember thinking. I am not dying; I sang my song and made a choice to come back. I am here and I am staying. 

I knew how important the surgeon was, when you need acute care, they are indeed angels. The paramedics never wasted one moment and I could see and sense their sheer passion for the job. I was their centre stage. The most important person, and I felt every bit of that care and love for me and my life. It felt wonderful to be loved in that way, to be held, to even have someone risk their life for yours. It’s a feeling that is indeed indescribable. 

That was the first lesson…

I observed The Passion for Purpose. 

Passion for your purpose is fulfilment and incredibly important for a human-being to have that level of love for their service. 

The Second lesson

Honour the person not the status, label or title.

The operation went well, and I was placed on an intensive care ward. I woke at 5 am the next day and just cried. “How the hell did I get like this?”, then I could hear a sound of a gentle hum, a kind voice, “Are you alright love, can I get you anything?”, she touched my hand. “You will be OK, it’s a nice day outside, the sun is shining and you will soon be on your way home. I will see if I can get you a cuppa. The hospital cleaner. Bless her kind words. It was such an integral part of my healing she will never know how much so, equally so to the surgeon that saved me. 

Kindness and time are healing gifts money can’t buy

I realised in that moment beyond the realms of equality lies UNITY. UNITY has no hierarchy no above or below in position. When we are intellectual enough to know that we are all a part of the one whole with equal importance. There cannot be any ego or exploitation. It simply cannot exist. 

The Third lesson

The hospital chaplain 

“Does anyone want to speak to me in here” How are you doing ladies? All OK? “Here if you want someone to speak to or ask me anything.”  I instantly knew I needed to speak to him. I asked him to explain the 23rd psalm. Let me get a chair and I am all yours. Line by line he explained the psalm not in his words or language but in mine, in a way I could understand. He didn’t preach or try to convert me into something. He explained from a place of my intuitive knowing. A connection between 2 people regardless of differences. 

Seldom do we tell each other how wonderful we are, how much we care. Or do we stop and think what can I give or do today for someone else. How can I accept who I am and how can I accept who you are, even when we are different with different beliefs, religions, race, colour or creed we are all the same. 

The fourth Lesson

The Me Me’s and the Magnificence

I will keep this one simple. My eyes where wide open to see, sense, feel and know the beauty of unconditional love and care. These kinds of friends are the magnificent. Often sadly it is in times of need that we discover those that focus solely on their own need and agenda. I received so much love after. So much love it was hard to receive. But the duality of that was I also received a couple of visits and calls from people that where more engrossed in the builder not turning up or the business not doing so well. Really!!!!! 

Our Space is sacred choose who you want in it and why. What a journey of reflection, transformation and deep-rooted abundance that no other experience could have provided me with.

I learnt so much and there were many more lessons of which I treasure and would love to share more with you too. I treasure the experience; it’s evidenced real leadership to me. 

A leadership based on love. 

The only thing is we shouldn’t have to die to experience it.